You want to know why everyone hates Kirsten Dunst? The same reason I currently despise her: because she's a hipster.
Admittedly, I, against all good reason, used to really like Kirsten Dunst. All of that changed shortly before she made the apotheosis of cinematic hipsterdom, the god-awful "Marie Antoinette" (2006).
Really, who didn't enjoy "Bring It On" (2000)? I foolishly judged her crooked teeth quirky-cute and knew she'd be a respected young Hollywood actresses by the time she was 25.
Oh, how wrong I was.
Instead, she got sucked into the soulless vortex that is hipsterhood, ditching her credibility along with any semblance of arch support for ridiculously impractical, flimsy ballet flats.
I am often accused of being too negative about most everything and everyone. So, instead of making this a diatribe against the hipster plague, I will instead frame it as an ode.
How I adore hipsters! Oh, how I enjoy walking through campus seeing faces bedecked with Wayfarers and scores of grungy unisex bangs! I simply cannot get enough skinny grey jeans and ridiculously colorful sneakers paired with combination hoodies-blazers!
How original! How au courant! How hip!
If only I could muster up the courage to buy a pair of grossly unflattering skin-tight jeans that, especially since I am male, make the entire process of walking and sitting down incredibly uncomfortable and make my ass cheeks appear to be located mid-thigh. If I were cool enough, I'd get a white studded belt and buckle it on the side so that everyone can tell I'm friggin' insouciant! Then I'd pull on an Ashlee-Simpson-inspired fedora and strut off to Starbucks!
Oh God, I can only keep that up for so long ... All right, so I hate them. Why? For the same reason everyone else besides hipsters hates hipsters: the condescending sense of posed entitlement and nonchalance.
First off, isn't it a little ironic to be well off while simultaneously dressing like you're some underground scenester from Allston? How can you wear $200 Sevens and have it represent anything remotely punk?
The calculation is what really offends me. Kirsten Dunst, along with - I'm just guessing - most of the hipster population at Tufts and in Boston, can afford to bathe at least once a week. Is there some appeal in looking dirty? Is that some unsanitary form of rebellion? It takes calculation for Ms. Dunst to leave her mansion in Hollywood looking like a hobo, albeit with a real Chanel bag instead of some (played) faux Balenciaga motorcycle bag.
Thank God hipster style is nothing but the most transient of trends. How long can obnoxiously uncomfortable skinny jeans last? Fashion pundits are already calling for the death of the Wayfarer (me too!). I'll take anything that doesn't force me to look at the campily ubiquitous shades. I swear they flatter no one.
That, for me, is the deal breaker. I cannot stand ubiquity. I realize it's almost hipsterish to be the asshole constantly talking about how much hipsters suck but, really, I would hate any kind of uniform dress code that only leaves room for prescribed idiosyncrasy.
With the glut of hipster culture we are currently in, what with movies like "Marie Antoinette" and "The Darjeeling Limited" (2007), it looks like we'll have to deal with a period of mass marketing before its inevitable death.
Pretty soon, all the discount and chain stores will carry hipster-style duds and Kidz Bop will release a new compilation filled with hipster hits like that horrific "1234" by Feist. (Just a word of wisdom: It's not underground if it's in an iPod ad.)
On the bright side, hipster is probably the easiest Halloween costume to pull off this year.
Billy DeGregorio is a senior majoring in English and Spanish with a minor in communications and media studies. Contact him at william.degregorio@tufts.edu.
